i think my tv is drunk
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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