ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
