Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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