you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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