Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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