Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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