So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
