my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
