Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
