his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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