My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
