I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
