This is not my ceiling
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
we should paint friendship bongs
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