I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
