life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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