Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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