Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
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BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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