Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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