I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
