the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
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I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
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meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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