I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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