Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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