All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
