Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
