I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
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Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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