I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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