I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
