I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The air taste purple.
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