last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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