we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
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I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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