He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
