I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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