Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
