it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
