She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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