She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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