Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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