Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
