note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
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This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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