I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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