Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo