Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart