we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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