when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
