just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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