my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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