Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
