He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
