you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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