1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
