I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
