ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
