It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
