I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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