i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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