Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
