I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
